March 24th, 2023. The morning my life changed in less than 45 minutes.
This blog & journey of mine has been predicated on a singular event – the loss of my best friend named Rocky. March 24, 2023 is the anniversary of his last day of life. Two months ago that morning, I had to make perhaps the worst decision a human ever has to make & it was essentially a split second decision. I had to try to decide what is best for a loved one who speaks a different language. I had to advocate for his quality of life over quantity. And, it is a decision I have to live with for the rest of my life.
I always thought I was going to be one of the few lucky ones that had their first dog live far into their senior years. What a cruel reality. Rocky deserved so much better than the way it ended.
It’s been two-months now since Rocky left my side. It’s still so hard & it’s like I’m living out a bad dream.
Loving a person or animal incredibly deeply is so beautiful … & ultimately so painful.
In this blog I went into detail of what happened. All of Rocky’s life I vowed I would not let him suffer. But it is significantly easier to talk about making a tough decision than to make a tough decision. As I mentioned several times since his passing, it was abrupt & I thought it would be a relatively routine vet visit, & neither of us could have possibly been ready.
I knew that adjusting to life without him would be very hard. What happened instead was more like a tsunami of grief that swept me out to sea. I thought I was fully experienced in coping with the death of a loved one. But the pain & sadness from losing Rocky has been significantly greater than what I had previously endured after the passing of several family members, friends & the family dog from when I was a kid. I’ve been surprised & somewhat terrified that I had the capacity to cry as much as I have.
We had been together for 4,790 days…nearly 13.5 years, which was 39.7 percent of my life at the time of his passing, & I still feel like I got robbed out of time with him, no matter how much time we get with our fur babies, it’s never long enough. They were 13+ fantastic years full of laughter, many walks & belly rubs & rabbit chases.
What frustrates me is our culture treats the death of a pet more like the loss of an automobile. When it wears out, you should just go buy a new one. Well — meaning friends & family members have advised this in their attempts to help me feel better. What they don’t understand is that I have lost my soulmate — an irreplaceable relationship — not a piece of property.
I had a front row seat of watching this beautiful, vibrant life make this transition. Afterwards, I started having those questions about who am I, & why am I here, & what am I meant to do.
I can still see his eyes, you know what I mean. It’s like it was 15-minutes ago. Those last few minutes I spent with him when it was just him & I in the vets office are really some of the most powerful periods in my life, they really are.
Since Rocky’s passing, especially that first month, I’ve been almost completely disassociated from life & feeling. I’ve basically been walking around in a haze — numb to anything & everything. Nothing has seemed to matter & it’s as if I’ve been in some sort of fog. I’ve been at work discussing work issues thinking none of this shit makes a damn bit of difference in our lives & we’re all idiots for pretending as though it does (I still mostly feel this way at work).
We don’t talk about grief enough. And it is the saddest & loneliest journey that you will take. There is no right or wrong way to do it. It’s simply the tax that we pay on love.
The only way around it is through it. It gets really messy. Because what they don’t tell you about grief is that it never ends, but the sympathy’s & condolences, they will.
People will be afraid to say their name around you in fear that they are going to remind you that this person/animal has died, as if somehow you had forgotten, which makes you sad.
You will feel like you have lost the privilege to say their name in everyday conversation because it’s sad or depressing.
They don’t tell you that you’re going to hold onto the pain & the grief because it’s the only thing that makes you feel connected. Or that you won’t only grieve the loss of this person/animal, but the loss of your old self & who you were before this person/animal died. That you will grieve your future, your hopes, & your dreams with them no longer in the picture.
Grief is a messy & awful place to be, & it is an unfixable weight that you will carry around. But there is also so much beauty & wisdom.
Grief is not a test to finish or something to move on from. But rather something that will alter your being, change your way of seeing, your way of life.
It is love, & you lived it. And it is grief, & you will carry it.
I miss you more than you could imagine, Rocky. I love you so much my baby boy. I’m so sorry I couldn’t fix you.
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