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I’ve posted a lot of emotional content since my best pal Rocky passed away, but this blog, as I’m bawling my eyes out writing this, has got to be the most raw I’ve been writing a blog since the early months of this nightmare.
It’s been exactly seven months since my dog Rocky passed. He passed on March 24th, 2023. I do want to give an update on how things have been.
The final 9 1/2 weeks of his life are firmly etched in my mind & I remember everything as if it had just happened 10 minutes ago. I could literally give you a play-by-play of the daily events of the final 66 days of his life.
These first seven months without my buddy have been pure torture & hell. Sorry to be dramatic, but that’s the best way I can describe it. I cried every day for the first about three months, & even still do to this day once we get to about a week leading up to the 24th of the month. My house feels dark & empty. I just want to see my dog again.
I’ve tried to get through the grieving process, but some of the things that have helped me is seeing & talking to two of my friends, who will remain nameless for their privacy, for the most part weekly & also being on this website. I genuinely appreciate EVERY SINGLE person who’s taken time to read my blogs & comment during the worst time of my life. It means the world to me & still does, something I will cherish forever.
I still have Rocky’s bowls in the exact same spot. I did give his food, treats, some medication & light up collar to his most favorite person to give to his pal Inga because I believe that’s what he would have wanted me to do. I also have all of his toys & many beds around the house in the exact same spots as they were the day he passed. Even though it’s been seven months, I still can’t bring myself to move them or get rid of them.
I really miss my buddy. I do feel that this loss has changed me & will be with me forever. You try to heal & function again, but you simply can’t forget. I wasn’t exactly the most social person to begin with, but now I’ve taken it to the extreme on being selectively social when I’m not in my antisocial mode. Rocky’s most favorite person & I still talk about him.
I still feel beyond guilty that Rocky didn’t get the chance to spend the weekend with his most favorite person the end of January when I was planning to go to California for the weekend. Rocky would have been spoiled rotten & enjoyed every second of it.
But life had other ideas the week before & robbed Rocky of that opportunity.
It’s not always happy endings, we don’t always get to say a proper cheerful goodbye.
Rocky my baby boy, I’m so sorry we didn’t get to do the things I had planned before you left. I am so sorry & feel guilty you were in pain the final 24-hours.
When you had your first two seizures in the final two months of your life when that took many hours for you to recover from, it was tough to see. I still have nightmares of them constantly.
I am so sorry I couldn’t save you. I’m so sorry you were in pain. You deserved so much better.
I still remember that Friday morning in March at the vet, when Rocky’s primary doctor & I had to make that difficult decision, my face buried in my hands & the vet needing to get Kleenex for me. Then when I somewhat got my composure, I had to tell Rocky’s most favorite person first immediately about it. She was speechless with the abruptness of it.
I remember after he passed, I was alone in that room with the body, face buried in my hands for about 45 minutes, & just uncomfortable awkward silence over what came next.
Then 13 days later returning to the vet to pickup the urn with Rocky’s ashes & his mold paw print, I couldn’t even talk because of the devastation, but the people working knew exactly why I was there. No one can prepare you for the moment you pick up your soul dog’s ashes & paw print within two weeks of having to say goodbye.
My heart & prayers go out to everyone. Just a reminder that you’re not alone if you can relate to how I’m feeling & we will all hopefully figure it out one day. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.
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